Rendezvous
12 January 06 : 06.44 PM
She plays sports...
He says everytime I'm selfish, he thinks about the ex a little more. And I am, so now she's always on his mind. How good a distraction I was at first, when I was sweet, when I threw I miss yous and my arms around his neck. Then I started being selfish. I talked about another and I didn't care that he was hurt and time and again, I kept showing him how callous I am, so now all that he feels left for me is utter and complete contempt.
This is cutting the chase, but this is not about me being not pretty enough. This is, in his words, the "other factors" and it revolves around me being selfish.
Basically, she's everything he wanted you to be...
He was amazing, he was. He took me on these long drives that I crave for and it lasted several hours until I'm tired and satiated. I am ocean eyes, olive-loved, lyrical lilith. I am perfect with him. Once, I was in his car and I cried (he knew who it was for) but he kept on driving in the silence of Of Montreal and I could love him then.
How can I sleep with another, and expect that he doesn't love another..?
Jarrett brought me a bouquet of flowers for no reason. Once, he waited for me outside my place for over an hour because I didn't want to see him. I did finally, and he told me how empty he felt then, waiting. And I'm letting him leave now too.
It's not me you call when you're happiest..?
How do I do this? Like a leash I pulled and pulled and pushed them away when they're too close. There is nothing of you for me to remember, yet there's nothing I forget. How can it hurt when he says she's all that's on his mind now, and that I remind him of all she was after the iron lung broke down? He says I'm distant, well, so is he. Is this my skinart speaking to you too? Does Jarrett understand?
People who are not selfish...
And I'm listening to the CD he compiled for me, and on it, the words, "because I like you very much" pressed with permanent ink. Ironic? He said something changed, with the same feeling that made Jarvis sing it. But now I repeat these words with regret.
"I know if I hang up on you this moment, you'll never talk to me again. So..."
"Bye," I managed to say.
"Bye," he said, and hung up.