Rendezvous
23 January 06 : 12.05 AM
At first it was Lawrence, Sean, JL, Karl and some other people I didn't know. We were at HollandV, just hanging out. Then some went off, and it was only Lawrence, Sean and I left, and we played Hangman on old receipts and built a pyramid of plastic cups. I love these guys; we have such childish fun together.
I think everyone needs contact from time to time. To be touched, caressed and kissed, but not necessarily in the sexual way. And I got all the contact I needed on Friday, when Lawrence stroked my hair and let me lie on him while we play cards together. I don't feel strange with him, he's an amazing guy and will always be someone I cherish.
It's Friday entering Saturday and it was Zhewei's birthday and I joined the guys at the pub nearby.
Then I saw the guy who made last year both bearable and unbearable for me. He walked into the pub and like an acquaintance we gave each other a mild smile and I walked past him like he never mattered. I returned to Lawrence and Sean, and told them, "I just fucking saw Christian." Lawrence asked, "Who?" because he has never heard me mention him ever, but it made me realized, it made all the sense in the world. Who is he, really? He really is just someone who looks like the guy I loved in twenty-o-five and the only word that rang in my head was: doppelgänger, but the only person this doppelgänger is haunting is me, and I have to get it out of my head.
I have, haven't I?
So on Saturday night, I was at Zhewei's house with Jarrett and Justin, when Ken arrived and asked, is it okay if he comes? I realised, it is, because it's not really him anymore.
That night, I joined Renfred and some others at Momo after, but left earlier, by about 3am. Danny walked me to get a cab, which ended up in a misunderstanding. I hate it when it happens with him, but it happens so, so often.
This evening was spent at Kim's place with Marilyn where we talked about everything and had ice cream at the ice cream parlor near her place. I love these girls; they make me feel home again.
Such Great Heights is repeating on my Media Player. I want to drink vanilla milk and words that paint vividly in my mind like LSD and never have to see another eye to eye. I'm not running away, I'm not denying. I'm just letting go.