Rendezvous
22 February 07 : 04.59 AM
I have found my breath, I think, with much conviction. And I'm saying this with Pale September in the background. PJ Harvey and Neko Case went missing tonight, no more stories from the sea and no fox confessors to bring the flood.
As I was saying, I have found my breath. I am elated with a kind of rush through my silly brain and contracting heart. Danii's like no other.
The thing is, I'm not the first, and I can't claim him to be. I don't even know if I'd ever look back to this entry feeling foolish and embarrassed, but I'm elated now, and that's enough I guess. Christian came and went, back to his old party self and stranger than ever, and I have no regrets here. Jon would have never been able to satisfy and fulfill me emotionally and intellectually; if he ever felt emotive and clever before, he hadn't the ability to articulate it or I'm just not noticing. Hi b., I think you're amazing and inherently intelligent, so I still want to have you as a friend even though things didn't work out. Everyone else's not significant enough for me to ever give mention anymore.
Months back, Christian's calls would still have startled me, in an inexplicable way that inflicted pain on my heart, although it was never about him anymore. It was phone calls that never came, a 4am drunk on my bed, somebody holding me while I felt the worst pain a girl could ever think of. Things change so simply and so easily, don't they?
The past few nights, Danii and I had the worst quarrels we've ever had. Tear-stained, impaled hearts and embraces so hard. I call him Dan when we're quarreling. One of them, I crawled over him with tears in my eyes so they fall to his collarbone, but he had tears first. I was lost. Baby, don't.. I love you, don't.. I'm sorry, Baby, I'm so fucking sorry was all I could say. I kissed his neck, kissedkissedkissed until it was all okay. But they always end with fingers wiping tears away, light kisses with eyes shut, whispering lovelovelove mush, but I have a good feeling we mean it a lot.
But what sweetness last night and tonight held. Always close, dancingclose at St. James yesterday, sleeping together no blankie because of silly spoilt airconditioner (kisskiss, I love you, never lose sight of that, goodnight). And tonight lying on red, daniivicki-stained sofa with the movie, the Illusionist, raw salmon and onion rings, a lot of laughter and more kisses. We consume each other sometimes, it's overwhelming but nothing unnatural. How else can we love?
It would have been hard, to have a lover who is almost feral yet so tender my heart breaks. I'm only but a girl, I'm no woman yet. To see him clench his fists when we quarrel or grab me hard when I want to run away, while I yell and use fuck all the fucking time. Sleep back to back. I am scared, yet it makes me want to lean over and kiss him where his bones show most. I kiss his jawline all the time.
I would just like to announce my insatiable need for Danii, then I'm going to sleep (alone) because Danii's sleeping on his own red bed tonight.