Rendezvous
09 December 07 : 04.34 AM
I spent the last hour tossing and turning in bed in the most cliched manner possible. I couldn't fall asleep, and those words and images just rang in my ears like some maniac dream.
I think I'm spiraling back down.
Speaking of maniacal dreams, I had one of sleeping with some guy last night. He has no name, and no face. I enjoyed it but felt terribly guilty. There was this part where he pushed my head down to his dick and I didn't resist. I knew I was seeing Dani, but then in the dream, I also knew that I had done it before.
I don't read much into dreams. I've had one too many of those naked/falling/darkness/lost/sea dreams that they no longer hold any truth for me. But it must mean something, for me to keep dreaming about cheating on Dani. A psychoanalytical reason. I've never had dreams like this before, with others. But that's practically all I dream about now, or all I actually remember.
But back in the real world, I feel like I wanna do something to Dani. Something willfully ludic, something that would hurt him too, and I know what would hurt him. Then, I remember that seeing him hurt pains me so much, and that my actions would ultimately be double-edged.
Mostly I don't think, though. When I'm resentful enough. Or self-destructive. I have a propensity for shit like that. "To what end?", Dani would ask. Then I keep silent, or say I don't know when I actually do.