Rendezvous
06 September 08 : 01.54 PM
After I hung up the phone, I collapsed. She rested her head next to mine and stroked my hair until I stopped shivering, stopped shuddering, stopped feeling faint, stopped thinking. Then she held my hand until we both fell asleep.
I am depleted. I have strayed and fucked everything up, and now I'm just so defeated. I kept repeating over and over that I hadn't made a single mistake in years. I hadn't made a single one in years. So long. But the one time I do, it breaks me. The one time I do, everyone I love is mad at me.
Drey said. It's done. You can't change it. But you can learn to forgive yourself because that's the only way to live from now.
Don't take Dani back, not now at least. Not when things are so complicated, not when we have to fight every day to make things work. It will drain you. It will drain him. I don't want you like you were one year ago. And I'm so afraid that this would just drain the life out of you. Don't cave in, don't cave in, whatever it is, don't cave in. You need to do this for yourself, please, don't cave in.
(If you end up in the hospital again, I'm gonna go get the phone numbers of doctors for you. You're gonna need new men.)
Then my mom told me I need to be strong. She said it hurts her to see me like this, and I just felt even more ashamed. Let it go. Go out and meet more people. You are so beautiful, you will never be alone. I smiled because she was trying so hard.
I realised that I had to let everything go. I had to let everyone go. I was hoarding and I kept wanting, I kept taking but it was all wrong. It was wrong and I am wrong so I just have to let things go now. She says that I'm so strong for doing this. That if I should ever feel like I couldn't live, I need to know that I've felt this way before and I lived.