Rendezvous
14 October 08 : 11.46 PM
I'm carrying the cross for my mistakes, my inability to deal things better. The sin of omission.
I spent the whole afternoon mopping about, crying in bed, crying while eating, crying while walking, crying crying crying. It was just so bad. I was begging for pills, begging for the doctor, begging to phone Helme. But no one indulged me that way. I'm told, "Stop wallowing in self-pity. You have to pull yourself together. It's all over now so the only thing you can do now is try to move forward. There's nothing else you can do."
At this point, there's no one to blame. I told Dani, after those threats, I had nothing but resentment for you. Now that I've calmed down, I realised, I can't blame him. I would probably threaten the same way he did if put in a situation like that. To do all I can, whether right or wrong, to keep the person I love. I don't think I could have been gracious too. Perhaps I cornered him that way.
But it was all better by night. I went to shop for a new fedora (tired, worn, tear-stained faces can be very unbecoming), bought clothes, shopped for books, took a long drive, belted out Have You Seen Her? (The Chi-Lites) down Orchard and made an appointment to have my hair cut. By night, at least, I was laughing, and it was natural.
At one point in time, I said, "Fuck. I'm not getting over what she said. The one where she said, she knows he wouldn't flirt with me, but I probably did or could initiate something. What the fuck? I know I have no right to be angry, plus, she doesn't know me well anyway but... that's thinking so lowly of me. I don't initiate anything. I don't have to flirt with anyone. I'm way too proud for that. What, I don't have guys who wanna flirt with me, that I have to initiate flirting?"
There was a giggle and then, "That's you, Vicki. Proud of yourself. That's the you I felt was missing for a while. The you that actually know you are worth something. Stay this Vicki."