Rendezvous
03 November 08 : 04.11 PM
Today at school, girls told me how pretty my new hair is and how surprised they are to see me. Everyone was like, heyy! Been awhile! Serene, Dawn said, "Vicki! Is this the first time I'm seeing you in school all semester? How poetic; the last lecture is your very first. I guess I'll see you during the exams next? Where you'd come in an hour late?" I giggled.
After lecture, Serina and I went for some drinks first before I left school. (Serina is gorgeous and sexy. I would do her.) I realised that in so many ways, her relationship with her boyfriend felt like Dani and mine, before all this shit happened. The way it's always just the two of them. How comfortable their relationship feels. So much love she wouldn't want it any other way. Everything was certain and secure.
I miss us. I miss how it felt like, to feel excited and giggly when he walks through my door. Waking up to him beside me, climbing over him to kiss him. Laughing about everything while cuddled in bed. Scouring (quietly) the kitchen for something to eat in the middle of the night. Nights in where we'd cook dinner for ourselves with a good movie. There was always that one perfect scene. I am on his bed wearing nothing but his teeshirt. He's smoking by the window, looking at me, never taking his eyes off me. I mouth I love you and blow over an air kiss, and I giggle. He scoops me in his arms and kisses me all over.
But it was all so long ago. Then we got sloppy. Then it stopped feeling like there was anymore love. Then we stopped wanting to do nice things for each other. Once, I had cried and told him that. I said I'm sorry, but that was why it became so easy to fall in love with someone else. The boy makes me feel like how you once did. You know how badly I had wanted that. I would do the silliest things to try to get that back, remember? I would ask you, make love to me slow like the first time so I'd tremble with desire, can you? Then I got angry when you move your mouth away from mine. Surprise me with a hug from behind like you used to. Why don't you flirt with me like before? Charm me all over, please. But none of that worked.
But it's all different now. I can think back and be sad about not having all that anymore, but I know we can never be that way again. It all feels different now. Remember the first time we met after the break up? You picked me up from his place. You looked at me and smiled, touching my face. You asked, where to, Ms Daisy? And I cried. I couldn't stop crying. You thought I cried because I was overwhelmed. I cried because things had already changed, and there was someone else I wanted. But I missed us so badly.
I miss us sometimes because of the boy. He reminds me how new relationships, new boys are frightening things because you'll never know if you're going to get your heart broken. The boy can be so erratic it scares me. Sometimes he takes the time to reassure me, other times, he lets me know how much he hates commitments. He wouldn't necessarily say, I won't do that, he'd say, if I do that, you have the right to leave. I fuck my brains up thinking too much but I'm a total girl that way.
Serina asked, don't you wish for the peaceful-life again? Of course. The past 2 years were quiet, wholesome, no bullshit and no drama. I minded my own business for the last 2 years, and now everyone is minding mine. I can be on my best behavior, always in line and be the best of a friend I think a friend should be, and then a mistake and all that is erased. I am characterised by my mistake. All of a sudden, the mistake becomes more telling of my character than anything else I've ever been like. I am conniving, attention-seeking, manipulative, backstabbing and "Vicki! You've changed". The worst part of it all is that, it's by people I actually do like. I'm reminded why I hated being around people.
The other night, I got angry at Dani for something said. He scolded me, "I can't believe you're actually listening to someone who is so fucking obviously trying to get in your pants." It shook me. I need to stop being so light-eared and so easily trusting. I also need to get out of my head sometimes.