Rendezvous
16 December 08 : 06.14 AM
Feeling left out again, sigh. At 6.30 in the morning no less. Such a difficult person to please I am. Talk to me.
- I liked my friendship with Helme. It was very light. It was non-emotional and I didn't even have to speak very much. We had nice hugs! I could hold his arm and not feel odd. He calls me out of the blue every once in a while. Once he used another number for a bit and sent a generic sms to inform. I replied, did you just send that to everyone in your phonebook. He said, nope, just the people I think might contact me. I remember being amused because we talked every 3 weeks or something. When this is all over and done with, I guess, I would miss that.
- I wish I wanted to talk about more intelligent things. That I could go into a long monologue about existentialism or Marcel Duchamp or whatnot. So the other day I thought to myself, since I'm not good at anything, I had better be good at studying. Secretly (or not so secretly), I like the idea that I can go to school like once a week or lesser and still do moderately well or at the least, average. It makes me feel smart but what's the use? My dad always said, there's no point having loads of potential if you don't fulfill it. You amount to nothing at the end of the day and those kids who are stupid but hardworking will laugh at you from the top. I can say all this now and by next semester, I will still continue being proud that I can churn out an essay of B+ average without ever reading the text. In the real world, a stupid boy who spent 10 days on that essay and get an A- is better than me. Sigh, I'm such a lousy person.
- In a really odd way, I'm proud that the only other Vicki I know is smart and artsy and indie in her own strange way, the way I can never be. Like it adds to the general idea of how all Vickis are like. Being proud of my namesake is so absolutely 9 years old.
You don't understand. Being awake and ill at this time means you want to write about everything and keep writing so you don't die of boredom.