Rendezvous
11 August 09 : 12.14 PM
In the car I made fun of something and asked if I could listen to my ipod instead, and he asked why, and I said, because I'm emo. He laughed and said, I never saw an emo person care about somebody else's hat. I said self-righteously, I'm a special emo.
In the conversation I thought about the things Helme doesn't do for me, not intentionally, but it came out very stream of consciousness. It starts out casual-- He told me about how his mom said we're like Seinfield and Elaine. In wondering what stood as comparison points, I start thinking about how I can't seem to be myself around Helme. He said he was getting anxious about his trip, and I thought about how every single time I got an anxiety attack Helme gets mad at me because he says I'm giving him unnecessary shit. He made an allusion to me being Miss Always Right, and I thought about how even when I feel I'm not wrong, I apologize so we don't fight. We laughed at how callous and catty my words can be at times, and I thought about how callous and nasty his words are to me.
I can't say I'm angry about anything now. We talked about this over The Fray outside my place, and I didn't even know what I was it I was still trying to figure out. What's there to figure out?
I said, "You know, when we're okay, he kisses me a lot and is so tender it melts me every time. Two weeks ago when we were out with his friends, he just said to them, out of blue, you know, I've been with her for so long, but every time I see her, I'm still charmed. When he's not angry he tells me he'll never be able to find somebody better than me. I know he sees the things I do for him and he appreciates them, and to me, that's all it matters."
"But every single time we fight, he says the meanest, most hurtful things. He tells me I'm nothing to him. He says I annoy the shit out of him. He asks me to get the fuck away from him. He tells me he's better off without me. He says I'm fucked up, I don't mean shit. That if I wonder why he has it in him to do these things to me, it's because I don't mean shit," tears always come at this point.
"And when it comes down to this, everything just belies the love he shows when we're good."
Then it was said, thoughtfully, almost without an earlier cynicism, "On the flipside, when things are good, doesn't it belie all he says when things are not?" It just broke my heart.