Rendezvous
29 January 10 : 01.52 AM
You see I've come to understand that love isn't always the same for two different people. It took me awhile, it took me 3 other boys and an abundance of heartache, but it was you who finally made me understand it.
My way of loving involves showing concern and care. My way, involves concerning myself to every aspect of your well-being-- whether you've eaten your meals, if you've taken your contact lens out before you sleep, if you've paid your bills, if you have enough money to save at the end of the month, if your fridge's cleaned out, maybe you might like a shirt I saw, or if you're running out of soap, buying you the snacks you like. That's my way. My way involves never letting you forget that I love you and I care so much for you. Even in my maddest and most cruel. Could never neglect, could never intentionally hurt, to say things about you to your face that I know pierce the deepest. Above all, my way of loving involves wanting to be a better person for you. To try to change where you find lacking. And even if you don't see it or don't prize the things that I do, I know in the deepest recesses of my heart, I haven't lacked when it comes to loving you.
I couldn't understand why you can't love the way I do. Countless of conversations with Dani after we fight and you go to sleep and I'm in the living room all alone, I ask him, "If you loved me the way you tell me you did, why didn't it ever show? Why couldn't you do the things I wanted you to do if you knew it made me happy?" What I was really asking was, why is the boy I love so madly doing what he's doing to me right now?
There was never a shadow of doubt that you love me, never did. Even in those heated moments where you would spew the nastiest words to break me, I never wondered if you loved me, only perhaps, why is it you could be doing all this to me. But I could never say you didn't love me as I do.
Your way of loving is vastly different from mine. Yours is what your best friend has called an old school chivalry, which involves the ability to provide, to have a kind of selflessness for the loved ones in your life- and this I can proudly say I know it firsthand. It's in the things you do for me and the bigger things you wish you could do for me. I see it, and I know you love me, and that has always been reason enough for me to stay with you through the thick and the thin.
That is why I'm demanding less. I'm getting upset less. I'm wanting less. The things I used to want you to do for me, I'm seeking less. I'm understanding more. I'm seeing more. I'm giving more. Everything you wish I could become, I'm learning more. Why am I still not enough? Am I not trying hard enough?
In the letter you wrote to me that last time, you've said things about how I've lifted you up when you were down, that you know I've tried so hard and I've been good to you. That you wished you had something you could fault me with so it wouldn't be this hard. But lately I don't know if that's what you still feel, and that's what breaks my heart the most, because this, now, is where I'm trying the hardest. I wish I were a better person.
You also said "Can't imagine life without you. Don't wanna imagine life without you. Have to imagine life without you." This has never been an option to me. But for you, it's the only thing you want when something goes remotely wrong. And that's the difference in how much we still want this. I wish it weren't so hard.