Rendezvous
02 November 03 : 07.11 AM
One year ago today, at this exact moment, I was crying, tears dripping down my face. But I didn't wipe it, because I didn't care what the passers-by say or think. I was walking, holding my handphone with my right hand, looking at it every few seconds to see if someone had called. Checking the settings to see if it's okay, that the vibration mode is on, the ringing is fine. Sending blank messages to myself to see if the system's lagging. I was waiting for someone I was almost sure would never come.
Yes I was that pathetic.
I couldn't sleep this whole night. I was in this interstice between sleep and dream, like I was awake, conscious enough to be aware of my surroundings, but still sort of sleeping. I vaguely hear music from the radio, but the songs change too fast for me to grasp.
So I stopped trying, and took out paper to write. Then I saw the date. 2nd November. So it's been a year.
If things didn't change, if I had changed my ways, what would I be doing at this exact moment? Would the reason why I couldn't sleep be something totally different from what it is now?
He did come finally. At that moment, I believed in happily ever afters. I thought I found myself a fairytale. He came, he was right there with me. He was...Was he?
I tried picturing how our relationship would have turned out if we were still together. But somehow I just couldn't. I couldn't conjure a happy image up, of the two of us together. I stopped trying to.
Andii's not asleep either. I wonder why.
I took out my old journals, exactly one year ago today. No entry. Days before? No entry either. Days after? One. A very short one that doesn't tell me anything about how I was feeling at that time. Thank god anyway, I don't think I can bear reading it anyway.
Sometimes I really hate him because things wouldn't be the way it is now if it weren't for him. Firstly, I would have never had the chance to hurt KS. We would still be friends, in fact, good friends because we never did run out of conversation at all. Secondly, there would never have been the misunderstanding between Aaron and I. Thirdly, I would have never known how it feels like, having a broken heart.
I used to think it was so dramatic...broken hearts? I thought it was like, a metaphoric thing, like, love is represented by a heart, so yeah, broken heart. But now I know, it's literal. Your heart really feels broken. I tried to describe it using different words, but it was the closest I could get to expressing how it felt at that time. Broken Hearted.
And I used to think how weak those girls are, crying for guys just because they got ditched. Pathetic, I thought. I never was able to put myself into their shoes and feel their hurt. But god, but when it happened to me,...well I never want to feel that way again.
Wait, thank god we've broken up. Or I think I'd remain my anti-social status. For the past one year together, I completely forsaken my friends, just for him. I was unfriendly to guys because I thought it would make him feel secure about me never leaving him. But I guess he never did think I'd leave him. All those petty break ups, I'm pretty sure that he knew I would return to him if he just asked. True enough, I did.
Things just aren't the same anymore. I feel differently about people too.
I think I better try to get some sleep. I still have to go out later.
One year ago today, I was crying. Waiting for someone I know I shouldn't. Now one year later, I'm tired, very tired. Waiting for something I don't even know.