Rendezvous
04 November 03 : 01.11 PM
Reading Andii's journal archive, I feel as though I don't know her at all. If I were a stranger, going through her site for the very first time, I would have never guessed she had siblings at all. I guess that's how insignificant I am, or we are to her.
But at least I can relate to more recent entries, because she'll fill me in on details of her days now.
But I don't want her reading my journal, I don't want her knowing what I do, I don't want her understanding how I feel. Maybe I'm ashamed, maybe I just can't bear to have her look at me any other way except her little baby sister.
It was even wrong when Wilson knew about my tattoo. Because it just isn't a very.. little sister thing to do. To them, I would never grow up. And perhaps in their eyes, I want to stay that way. Just a younger sister for them to protect against the world.
Cliff had told me once that it's wrong; I'm old enough to think for myself and ultimately, I choose my life. But I can't live like that. I need my siblings' acceptance, more than my friends'.
I just want to stay forever their little sister. And I know they want that too. To Andii, the sister always laughing, listening to her whine about J, talking way too much. To Wilson, the sister he'll ask, "Wanna smell my socks?" and obedient enough to take drinks for him from the kitchen to his room.
To them, I have never grown up. And if I one day do, I don't know how they might feel.