Rendezvous
28 December 03 : 02.10 AM
Soaking in my bathtub again just now. I completely lost track of time. But, it must be for hours anyway because the Scarlet's Walk CD was on repeat, and I heard the songs twice or more. Washing my face with my wrinkled hands, it felt like I was giving myself a scrub wash.
I think it's becoming a habit.
Last night, while I was on the phone, Andii came to my room, crying. She went to my art drawer and took out a box of tools. She stared hard at it, and when I asked her what's wrong, she just ignored me. Okay, the razors I know...
But it'd become so tiring for me to tell her not to do it. Partly because she used to do it so often and always wants to do it whenever something upsets her, and she doesn't listen when I tell her not to. And also because, I don't feel there really is anything wrong with self-mutilation. So, there will be scars, but who really cares?
I'm not one who'd do that, though. I tried, before. When I felt crazy, felt suicidal even. But it was nothing addictive and it didn't make anything feel better, so what's the use. I didn't try anymore.
She locked herself in her room.
Hours later, she finally unlocked the door and I went to her room. She was wearing the maroon mini dress she wore two years ago to our school's talent night. Her eyes were lined black. I tried subtly to look for bloody cuts, but there were none.
Under The Pink was playing on her stereo. I lie on her bed, with her beside me. We just listened to the music and said nothing at all. It was such a perfect time to think, but I didn't. I was just dazing away, and I don't even know why.
An hour or so later, I went back to my room, and I found myself wanting to soak in my bathtub again. I slept, but woke up an hour or two later. I was sleeping yet not. It's kind of hard to explain how it feels like, but it wasn't something good.
When I finally did manage to sleep, Andii woke me up because Regina had called. But I didn't mind actually. It was much better than if I'd woken up on my own. I would have felt that same.. fear, anxiety I feel most mornings when I woke up alone.
I think I'm too problematic. It's hard to love someone crazy. Even I can't do that myself.