Rendezvous
04 February 04 : 12.59 AM
So I ended up skipping school again today.
Last night at about 2 a.m., while I was searching for a lighter to lit my scented rose candle, Mom came into my room. She started picking up the mess I'd left on the floor (dirty laundry, used tissues...I swear I'm more hygenic than it sounds) Then while I was getting the candle holder, Mom came over to me and stroked my back.
"Vicki, I'm sad," she told me. I immediately looked at her and asked why. But she just smiled and shook her head. I kept asking her over and over, but she just laughed and said nothing. Then I saw that her eyes were watery.
"You're crying, Ma!" I exclaimed.
"No!" She laughed. "Go to bed! Or you're gonna use this as an excuse not to go to school again." I didn't pursue further, she didn't want to tell me.
Lying on my bed, seeing the flickering shadow of the candle holder, I felt like crying. You know how people are always crying at sappy love movies? I don't. I cry at movies about parental-kids relations. Where this guy loses a father, that mother is sacrificing herself for her kids, that sorta thing.
Suddenly, last night, my Queen-sized bed felt too big and empty; too much space to toss and turn about. I usually liked sleeping alone. On most days, Andii sleeps with me, and it's fine, but sleeping alone is like something new even though I've been sleeping on this same bed for about 6 years now. Right then I'd wished I could go sleep between my parents. Dad rubbing my back, Mom patting me to sleep.
I can't remember if I'd slept at all the whole night, or that I just keep waking up right after I'd fallen asleep. So in the morning when Maria came to wake me up for school, I was like, damn, if I went to school, I'd end up sleeping in class again, so what's the use? Mom came into my room and switched off the air-conditioner and the lights, and turned on the ceiling fan. And immediately, I fell asleep.
So instead of staying at home snacking and watching discovery, I decided to make myself useful again and bring Ann to school. I liked doing that because the little babies (5-6years old) are so adorable and I love making them laugh even though it doesn't take much.
Ann reminds me of me when I was younger. Always in tears. Until today, I have no idea why. It was just this fear. It was nothing but fear. When I wanted to leave, she held me so tight, crying, wailing so bad that her classmates couldn't concentrate; they kept looking at her instead of their work.
So this nice lady working there somehow managed to coax Ann into going back to class while I sat at her work desk. Well, she started talking to me about my family and asking about where I study and stuff, and she showed me a picture on the computer.
"This is my granddaughter," she said proudly.
"You don't look that old!" I told her and she just smiled. Sitting there with nothing to do, I really took a look at her. She did look like a grandmother, she did look that age. But that wasn't what I saw, and it was because I wasn't noticing. I wasn't observant enough. I didn't notice how the painting in my dining room isn't really a painting but a picture they made to look like a painting. I didn't notice that my mother's eyes are no longer the smiling pair that didn't have wrinkles around, and how she used to laugh and tell my aunts how that's one advantage of being plumb; no wrinkles. I didn't notice how Maria's cheeks sunk in so much more than it used to even though she's not starving, but just getting old. She's watched me grow up, and I can't even appreciate that.
I was too self-absorbed. I thought I was the only one who had problems, but if you were to ask me, what bloody problems?! I wouldn't be able to give you an answer, just a cold blank stare.
Reading about Angels Encounters, I was skeptically, what a fucking joke. Everyone had a different looking angel; most have curly blonde hair, some have straight auburn hair, some were said to be too blinding to look at...
But guess what, screw angels. Instead of looking out for something that may or may not exist, why not start looking around you and start noticing.
Surprise yourself.