Rendezvous
05 February 04 : 08.01 PM
I could only look through Matricide without cringing.
I name my journals. All 9 books of them. Only to satisfy my need for giving identifications to things. I used to cut out little square papers and write names on them, pretending they're little happy people. Somehow that game only appealed to me.
Infatuate; my first, shortest relationship ever.
Linda; the honeymoon period for Jon and I. Linda means beautiful in a language.
Obsession; when I was in love with an image of a boy I'd pretended someone was.
So, this Matricide, was my reaching of independence. Or at least, trying to.
My first entry here wrote, Desmond is real. He's more real than I can ever be at times. He's a good person.
And my last entry, ...I feel a sense of loss. It's like I'm letting go a big part of it. Maybe why it's this hard to let go, is because I have this misconception that everything lasts forever. It doesn't right?
In between, was my getting to know Leon at Royce's poolside party. Spending a lot of time with Daryl, Royce, Desmond and Nicole. Regretting ever being friends with Esther. Getting all besotted with Leon, extreme skater and his dreadlocks and bleached white hair and turntablism skills and piercings. First time talking to Zac. Getting over Jon.
"Leon's always calling me up. Sam's heard of him. She says there was a period of time before that people thought Leon was gay because girls wanted to know him but he wasn't interested. Who's he and what's so special about him?"
"Ray is such a hussy gay. He goes on about how I'm making him wait for me like a fool. That if I like Leon, I should tell him to give up on me. What the fuck? I've only met him once! I don't even talk to both of them, let alone like one of them. I won't like them, dammit."
"It's nothing more than a crush. Andii thinks he's too old for me. Leon and I have nothing in common. But I'm listening to the CD he compiled for me, and with each song, I feel like I'm liking him more. Jon? Jon who?"
"Leon called me from Korea! How sweet. But I told him not to anymore, because it's gonna be really expensive for him. His reply was, no, that means I can only talk to you on monday. He makes me smile! Now, why on earth did I have to act all charitable just now? That means I can only talk to him on monday!"
"I think Leon is pushing the 'I wanna meet you' bit a little too far. Meeting everyday is too much, really. He was at my place till 1 a.m. just now, and it's tiring."
"It's just different. I don't feel that connection with Leon. I tried hard to feel the way I used to be able to, but it only made me sad. I guess Jon will always hold a place in heart, no matter what. Even though he broke it."
"I didn't answer Leon's call just now because somehow, I didn't feel like it. I don't know why."
Coincidentally, when I stopped talking to Leon, I started talking to Zac. I wrote about how he reminds me a lot of Wayne, except that I liked him a lot better because he was funny.
Why did I write all that about Leon here? I put away my journal. It's all part of the reminiscing, laughing with tears down your face. It's the little things that makes it hard to let go. But sometimes, it's just everything in all that's got a hold on you.