Rendezvous
17 February 04 : 05.00 PM
This is what happens when you skip school for half a month. TOO MUCH TIME.
I'm sitting in the little room extention place, with the air-conditioner set to 19 degrees while I wear my sweater, watching the security camera, typing on the laptop.
I see Ann wrestling with a pillow in the family hall.
I'm thinking about how the picture Zac sent me of him and his firefighting crew makes me embarassed looking at it that I had to put it away.
I'm still avoiding Zac. When he calls, I don't talk much, or I pretend to be humming and distracted, to give him a reason to put me down.
You know, John told me that I always look adrift, like I have something on my mind all the time.
I'm thinking about how lucky I am to have never gotten myself involved with fuckers.
My first boyfriend is a fucker now. I heard he's into fingerfucking girls. After me, he's had countless of girlfriends. He wasn't a fucker back then. He once asked if he could kiss me and I laughed and said no, and he didn't ask again. He told people I was the girl he loved the most.
I broke up with him while I was at a party one night. Desmond and Tian gave me all sorts of reasons to break up with him. And when I finally did, they shook my hand and congratulated me.
He now says how hard it is to love someone again. I said, "Me too!" but it came out sounding excited and enthusiastic.
I'm now looking at a letter from the Singapore Turf Club to my dad. It was signed off by a guy with the post of Chief Handicapper. It cracks me up.
I wish my dad would just sell off his fucking horses.
Now Ann is jumping in front of the television on her playroom.
I used to visit Breakfast11 all the time and now that it's no longer there, and I have no way of contacting Dave (Is that his name? I kind of forgot.) I feel upset.
Lawrence is so good with his words. I never really realised that until Drey mentioned it. Once, we were talking about sex and losing it, and he asked me, "Are you a virgin?" And I asked him back, "What if I am, what if I'm not?", and his answer made me melt. "I guess it wouldn't change the way I see you/the way I feel about you."
I'm avoiding all the calls from my schoolmates. I wouldn't know how to answer if they asked me why haven't I been going to school. Especially since I've been telling so many of them, Yes, tomorrow I'll be in school for the past week.
I was mean to everyone around me today.