Rendezvous
20 February 04 : 08.36 PM
He gave me some pills.
"It'll make you feel better," he said. His room was unkempt; clothes on the floor, bed unmade, little transparent sachets of pills piled in his cupboard.
"Does it?"
"It's safe. I'll give you three first. It's in the same family as Five, except less strong. The family of benzodiazepines, just not legalized."
"Benzo-what?"
"BEN-ZO-DI-AH-ZE-PINE-ES."
"Oh! You mean like valium?" I remember reading about it somewhere. For a while, I'd been interested in drugs and their effects.
He nodded. "I'm only giving you because I care for you, and your doctor would probably give you the same, almost."
"Chew it, flush it down with coke, turn on some music and stay in your room."
I nodded. I hope he knows what he's doing. I hope I know what I was doing.
Initially, I felt fine. Then gradually, my body felt weaker. I couldn't walk in a straight line. It was a strange feeling that I can't really describe; drowsy, calm, euphoric, it just made me feel good.
I didn't sleep the entire night because something made me crave coffee, so much that I drank four cups.
When I saw Dr. Tian this afternoon, he prescribed me with lexotan and fluoxetine. I held it in my hand, thinking, oh god, what have I reduced to, and decided I wouldn't take it, I would leave it at home until it rots or disappears and I'd be happier anyway.
Sometimes, I think I'm so foolish.