Rendezvous
30 June 04 : 03.42 AM
Just now, I brushed my teeth till my jaws hurt, and I felt like throwing up.
And at that moment I thought about the day I came home, scrambled to find the coins for the taxi driver. I sucked on my lower lips till I tasted the coldness of metal. I frantically rang the doorbell and when the gate wheeled open, I ran in, ran up to my room and to my toilet.
There, I took a toothbrush and vigourously brushed my teeth and I saw traces of red in the foaming paste. When I brushed my tongue, I felt as though I was going to regurgitate the food I had that morning because I was scrubbing my tongue so hard. It made me jerk a few times, but nothing surfaced.
I don't taste it anymore, but it's times like this I get so fucking disgusted with myself. If even I can feel this way about myself, maybe it's understandable how they looked at me then. and perhaps now too.
If I were someone else knowing me, I could never fall in love with me for the person I am.