Rendezvous
06 January 05 : 02.32 AM
I don't know how you felt that night when we talked about this. All I know is that you didn't want to tell me anything you were feeling, and I was left to decipher the words you were not saying. I asked, do you have anything to say to me? And you kept quiet. I knew you have made your choice. You chose to stay with her.
Since that night, we haven't spoken.
For once, I didn't blame anyone, not even myself. I knew I'm late. I know you're late too.
We talked just now, but our conversation was vapid and had awkward pauses. So unlike you, so unlike us. You told me you've broken up with her. I didn't know what to say. I asked how you were feeling. You said, "Nothing at all." What was I expecting would come out of this?
I haven't been in a very good mood these days. I've been a major bitch to everyone, especially guys. I've been bitter and resentful of their words and empty promises. Someone told me I'm emotional, I'm ruled by my feelings. Well, fuck that. I think I needed your assurance.
I love your thoughtfulness. It made me feel special, something I haven't felt since James' letter 3 years ago. I don't know if it's Robert Smith's sad vocals that is making me want to cry. Nothing hysterical, really. When you say you think of me, I never assumed it would be anything remotely stalking. You never appear to be a try-hard, like all the other guys I know. You never said I was cute, you never gave superficial compliments and flattery. But you loved my stories, you read them with non-judgemental eyes and told me they were captivating and honest. You're witty, emotionally strong, not a poseur, philosophical, sensitive, caring and most of all, you really love. You were my perfect guy that way.
I know you wouldn't be reading this. I don't want you to anyway. I wouldn't know how to react. Maybe it'll be just like before; we stop talking for a long time, then we pick up from where we laughed and teased and enjoyed each other's company. Maybe we won't talk again, until the next time you find yourself another girlfriend and I, another heartache. I don't know what to make of this.
I think for once someone, you, like me for who I really am. I am not a trend to you.
I will miss you, Mirz.