Rendezvous
01 March 05 : 04.33 AM
3 weeks before the preliminary examinations, I would cope myself in the vacant room of my house, put all my textbooks on the bed, turn on the dim light, play sad music on my really old mini-disc player and make myself comfortable at the study desk. Then, it didn't feel like I was depressed, I just felt like I wanted to be alone. I would stay in the room from 10pm till when the sun peeks through the curtains. It didn't feel like I was studying at all, because I was flipping through pages of my textbook, then taking out a writing book and write random lyrics, quotes and short entries. Yet I didn't know where time went. The hours passed like minutes and before I knew it, it was morning, it was time to sleep though I wasn't tired at all.
2 weeks before the GCE O Levels, I suddenly had this fear of being alone. I felt restless being in the room all by myself. So I shifted most of my textbooks to the family hall outside my bedroom. I sat on the floor with a cushion beneath me and used the coffee table as my desk. My mother sits there often, and there you can hear everything else that goes on in the house. It was just the environment I needed. I spent most of the time online searching for biology notes or book reviews. I started sleeping early and waking up at 10 in the morning.
If you were to ask me which part of it all did I manage to squeeze the studying in, I can't remember. It felt like I didn't at all.
And I am crying at this moment at my desk for those times, wanting to be alone, being afraid of being alone, those times I couldn't shed a tear though I felt like I had to.
I really don't know why.