Rendezvous
16 October 05 : 05.51 AM
It was after he hung up, that tears started to well in my eyes. We were in Desmond's car, it was dark and I thought Desmond wouldn't be able to see it, but he did and I just laughed it off. It was almost 3, I was tired and I wanted to go home already, but I didn't want to be alone so we stayed in his car just talking for almost an hour longer.
Before that, I called Jon, asking him where he was, but could not ask him if he wanted to meet me. I needed to listen to someone tell me where I went wrong, the way I did before. Who better, than someone I used to be with? I couldn't, not after the last time he brought me for a drive and upsetted Christian. I was still thinking about shit like that.
Yet when I ask myself that one question, that one question that can justify the way I feel... I can't bring myself to say yes, I honestly do. I told Kim over dinner about this, and she was sure the answer was a no. Why else can't I say yes then?
Then Ken called me, asking to meet me, I wanted to, and almost doing so, except I was at Marilyn's in a hooded sweater and jeans, wearing sneakers and not in the mood for town. I can't, I can't, I can't do this right now.
I was being silly last night. At about 4, I asked Mirz. Why didn't it go anywhere? Knowing well it was something he didn't wanna answer, and I didn't wanna know. His answer was direct, it was absolute, and I believed it because I knew that was the way I felt too, but I said it was a lousy lie. It was during the time I started getting close to Christian, and I'm just trying to find another reason, an alternative course I could have taken, so maybe I won't be here feeling the way I do now.
After everything, I'm still right where I started.