Rendezvous
13 April 07 : 01.10 PM
I woke up today not wanting Danii to leave. It almost never happens this way, because I know he has work to go for. So, on most days, he kisses me and then leave.
But today, at 6am, I crawled above him (so it makes it easier for me to kiss him. Danii lies flat on his back when he sleeps). When I wanted to get off him, he pulled me closer, not letting me go. And then we fell asleep.
What seemed like a second later, Danii had to go. Something made my heart turn, and the thought of Danii leaving gave me anxiety. I held his hand, I pulled him close, I put my arms around his neck. But he went anyway. I felt like crying, but I didn't. It doesn't make sense.
Dreams have been real these days. What used to feel like images passing past my eyes while I'm lying down, now feel like night-time trips in places that are never well-lit. Last night, I dreamt that I was in a maze-like city, finding my way out of dirty, alleys. I kept telling myself I needed to wake up, I needed to wake up from this nightmare because I was breaking down. I did, I think, I don't remember anymore.
Speaking of which, the central theme of my dreams these days has been infidelity. I dream about cheating on Danii all the time. But something that's been characteristic about these dreams, are the conflicting emotions I always felt being in that situation. I always felt like I was making the wrong choice, in cases where I was making any at all.
I want to leave my house now, with nowhere to go, and no one to call. Everyone's working or schooling or uninteresting. And it's raining, I hate how the rain soaks my feet and give me blisters. But I'll go out anyway, because it seems like the only thing left to do.