Rendezvous
06 November 07 : 11.13 AM
Pathetic and ashamed. That's what I felt.
Drey took me there and I was made to lie on a bed where people started taking my blood and pasting all kinds of shit on me and asking me repeatedly how I was feeling. The white lady asked me not to look, as she took my blood and said, "It's going to hurt just a bit." I said, no it doesn't, and I looked in fascination. As the fat needle invade my skin, I felt nothing. I've said before, this can't hurt me much physically. I had a needle that penetrated my skin so that something inside me dies, so don't tell me blood matters.
When my mom came she freaked out. The white ladies said I must stay. I must stay so they can monitor me, but she freaked and said no! Everyone at home will! She can't stay! I lie there silent.
Marilyn came. Marilyn came despite my always saying that she's drifted. She rushed down in a cab and apologized profusely for not being here for me. And then she held my hand.
Before my mom came, they put me in this cubicle thing and didn't allow Drey to be in. I cried and begged for her to be in because I didn't wanna be alone. I kept trying to leave. They let her in. But then after a while they said she can't be here. So in her place, they left two white ladies to safeguard me. They were afraid that I would try to run off again.
Last night, Andii screamed at me. She said to me, don't you dare pull off such a stunt again. I cried and said it's not a stunt. I did it because one didn't work, two didn't. I haven't slept in days I just wanted to sleep I just wanted to stop feeling this way. She said she didn't need me to admit to doing it for the attention but she wants me to learn that I cannot take my life so lightly all because of some stupid guy who's not even worth anything.
He is worth something. He's good to me. But she shouted, no he's not! If he's good to you he wouldn't allow you to get to this state! He wouldn't just sit by and watch you do this to yourself. He would have been there at the hospital! But he wasn't! He's worth nothing! He's not going to do anything with his life he's just going to be drifting and you will suffer with him in the future. Look at him now. Look how happy he is. Look at how he doesn't care!
I cried and cried and cried. But then after I sobered down I realized how all these things meant nothing. He meant nothing. Christian came and went, and I'm still okay. Jon came and went, and I'm more than happy now. Both times I thought I would die. But I didn't and I've been happier than ever.
If he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't, so be it. It's tiring to keep fighting, and I've given up. Drey asked me to ask myself, am I wanting him because I love him or am I wanting him because I just don't want to be alone. Instinctively, the answer would be the former. But I haven't thought through it, it's a scary thought.
10 days since the boy left. I've woken up.