Rendezvous
10 November 07 : 02.30 PM
I woke up today without having him cross my mind until I realized it. It's not liberating and neither do I feel in control of things again. In fact, it's nerve-wrecking. If even I'm giving up, who's going to mend us?
I panicked and felt that sense of loss again. I can no longer be resentful, the way I was 2 weeks ago. I stumbled across an article that was completely in my face titled Being Independent in a Relationship and as much as I hate to admit, I always grew dependent and needy in relationships so when it ends, I feel like I'm left with nothing.
The boy yesterday was nice, and so was his best friend (Nice is a compliment here because mostly I find people pretentious or trying too hard. So, nice is good). I called James (after years it seems), who was kinda smug to hear about us hanging out but would never let me know I'm right in seeing through him. I felt kinda girlish and too young, a stark contrast with what I've been feeling the past year. I was taken care of, not taking care of. I was defended, not defending. I was escorted, not burdening. I was fussed over, not fussing over. I was being complimented, not being assured. I was given, I wasn't asking. For months now, I almost forgot this was how girls were supposed to be treated.
It started out as a fairly uneventful conversation, where I said to him that my mommy was asking me to go sleep in her room. He said that I should be alone, it's good to be. I told him I can't, at least not now. I have to make plans, I have to do things. The thought that my Friday plans are uncertain already scares me and it's only Tuesday night. I can't not do anything, I can't be alone. Then he said that he could be here for me, that he could bring me out on Friday so I wouldn't be alone. So mostly out of the fear of being alone, I said okay.
They say it takes 2 weeks to get over somebody. I'm over the damage. I'm over the resentment. I'm over the need. But still, something deep inside stings ever so slightly with the thought of never having him back again. I hardly know why anymore.