Rendezvous
12 November 07 : 04.21 AM
I was half-way through my assignment when for a second I felt like I couldn't breathe. That same anxiety that made me take more than I should. I was fine the whole of today, speaking a lot to the boy who spent Friday with me under the rain.
I'm afraid that what happened at the end of Saturday night brought my hopes higher than it ought to be. The end of Saturday saw us revert (slightly, but noticeably) back to the old us for a second. While it is supposed to please me because this is what I'm been wanting since he left, I find myself being unconvinced and more affected by the apparent renewed affections.
For the past 2 weeks, he'd been cold, hardly telling me anything about how he was feeling. I was begging him to let me know how he's feeling, why he's feeling the way he does, please tell me everything, you know you can. But it never happened. I always left our conversations feeling more alone than ever. But last night, after the closeness, he told me how heartbroken he was after hearing what I said out of resentment and hatred. He told me the reason why he was able to leave us.
I thought, maybe he had melted. There were pockets of instances where I could tell he still cared, he still couldn't bear the thought of me with another. He drove me home and we kissed goodnight.
I know things will not be the same. Even I feel different now after these 3 tiring weeks. Sometimes I feel that maybe I still want him because I hate sleeping alone or that we once shared a kind of intimacy I've never felt before, but mostly I don't think about the reasons why I still do. I just do.
I can't help but think that maybe his sudden change in attitude has something to do with not giving me an excuse to go hysterical because of what happened last night. I would do it too if I were him. Mostly I think of this. But then there are others, like perhaps he doesn't want someone else take me away just yet. Or that he needed to find a way to make me stop crying.
It's terrible to think this way. It's pessimistic and completely useless. I feel pessimistic and completely useless. I tell Donovan that I deserve candy for being the cleverest girl in the world. He tells me then that's what I'll be getting the next time he sees me. I think he's just finding a way to make me stop crying.