Rendezvous
20 December 07 : 02.53 AM
I'm on waitlist for all the modules I wanna take, and this includes Astronomy, Western Art History, History of Inventions, Survey of New Media, Asian Film History, and others. They are extremely popular modules, and I'm probably not gonna get any of it due to my first year standing. This upsets me.
Then, I also really wanna take East Asian History (I'd die to take it) but it clashes with the lecture timing of a core module. Then there's also a module on the Media in China, and that too, clashes with everything else. They had vacancies!
I'm conscious about starting to sound like one of those people who talk about nothing all day but school and how cool their modules are in an I'm-Cooler-Smarter-than-You kinda way. Then again, I talk about nothing but my loveeeee so that's equally superficial I guess. But when I start to talk about things that are larger than me, it can get a bit disconcerting and unnatural. Like I don't know enough to try to grapple with these things. Being whiny about life spoils everything.
I feel a tad bit lonely tonight. Just a bit. Two nights ago, Helme said to me, at 3am, that he was lonely, I couldn't say anything pleasing (so I just stopped) because I felt as if it was something I couldn't understand, at least not at that moment. It's not anything I understand now either because everything is fine as it is. I wish to talk to b. right now though. While it always felt like we were in our own stifling bubbles, I can connect with him in a slightly unique way. Something that'd still make me feel alone, but alive at that. I hardly know what I'm saying, much less what I mean.
Today, loserboy which I spoke of yesterday, asked me to go clubbing with him. I didn't reply. My usual self would have said something almost acerbic and in an incredibly annoyed manner, but I just ignored him. Like j5 said the night before, you can always choose what you feel. I think I always choose to channel my feelings in a direction of annoyance, rather than acceptance or something. I think this aspect by itself makes me a lousier person than most people. Mostly, I don't really give a shit. But I think it insidiously gets to me, slowly but surely and surfacing only in pockets when I'm certain no one else is looking.
I'm talking way too much. I need to like, get laid and shut up or something. (Fucking masochist.)