Rendezvous
21 January 08 : 02.15 AM
Sometimes when I (senselessly) slip into a mild depression in the middle of the night when I'm alone, I take out old books that I have read a million times over and them anew. There's something comforting about that. Like meeting an old friend, except without all the awkwardness.
Tonight I took out a book I bought off alloy.com at 12. The book's titled Spiritualized, and it's about the different spiritual routes that teenagers take. It's a slim, pictures-filled book. I didn't learn about Kabbalah through Madonna and I didn't start distancing myself from the Christian camp to be cool. I think it started with this book, basically.
I have to start with a disclaimer first. I always thought it was kinda cool to be a Christian. Like to fit in or something, in a crowd full of Christians proud to be what they are. So I tell them I'm a Christian. It's not entirely untrue. My dad had morning prayers before work, we have (had) these Christian-related ornaments in the house, Christmas tree and the works during December, andddd every Christmas we would talk about going to Church for Christmas, which never happened again after I was say, 6 or something. I remember it being bright. I was sleepy.
But obviously we didn't lead very Christian lives. I didn't even really believe in God anyway. I wanted to, and would write letters as a kid to God (one of those "If you help me this time, I promise to believe in you and be a very good girl" letters). But I would forget all about it.
Well it doesn't matter what I think of it now. I'm just digressing. The point is that, reading it again, reading 16 year olds, 19 year olds, talking about something that they're passionate about, believing in something so that their lives are made much more meaningful, got me really depressed. It served to highlight the fact is that I had so much more of a soul in the past. Today, I'm pretty much dead, just about as dead as all those superficial, vain, self-absorbed, oblivious people I know. Like those celebrities-following cookie-cutter girls (Oh my godddd, Mary-Kate is soooo my style icon!), for example. Yes I know one or two will be reading this, but just keep guessing who I'm pointing at right now.
But on the other hand, what is the point of it all? It all seems so self-indulgent and a little insane to be upset or thinking about all these intangibles. I can't decide.
Tonight, Jarrett, Justin and Zhewei came over to see Laurel. I think it's amazing how they still care enough about an old friend, a friend who pretty much abandoned them for a wife, and grew up a little too fast. The last time I met up with Justin, just a couple of weeks ago, he started acting out before I left, for reasons I still don't know (but you can always attribute anything to alcohol). They spoke/joked a bit about Anthony, and it was uncanny that Anthony was to come online the second they were out the door. Then there was a friend they talked about, who didn't really wanna stay friends anymore and I think I was one of the few privy to that. I think he grew up a little sooner too.
There is no real point to this. It's post-spiritualization talk. A different form perhaps. Kind of waking up a little. Being disgusted by little minions of fashion/trends/academia/intoxications.
By tomorrow, I'd be just like them again.