Rendezvous
09 April 08 : 03.41 AM
The other morning again, that same feeling of not being able to move in your sleep. Half awake yet not. It's scaring me that it happens so often.
Dani had just left for work, and I knew it, but I wanted to get up and find him. But I couldn't, and I couldn't breathe and I couldn't move. I got angry at myself more than anything.
When I fell back to sleep I had the most god awful dream. I dreamed I was with Felicia. We were with a bunch of guys, old friends. (In the dream there was Shermen, Joshua, Jarrett, Tzack and Lucas. I can't figure why, it's all too random). She was seated across me, and I was so happy to see her. I asked her where she'd been, and she said nowhere. I told her to come sit beside me so I could hold her hand. She did, and I said I missed her, and asked her never to just go like that again. I tell her people are such scary things because you never know what they're thinking and how their apparent actions might belie their thoughts. So please stick to the ones you know and trust.
(I think I said that, because of how I felt one night with them. 13 and naive again.)
But then she slipped. She just disappeared when I was busy looking for Dani. Isn't this what had happened, really? That I let some of the people who love me slip, because I was too busy looking for someone to replace them. I missed Sam's birthday on Saturday because Dani stayed back late at work on Friday.
I can know this (and hate it), and still do everything that perpetuates this obsession.