Rendezvous
15 October 08 : 07.16 PM
Waking up is the worst part. Dreams do silly things like lure you into a false sense of security or play out worst scenarios. My dreams always consists of Helme no longer being mad at me and that things are okay all round. Then I wake up and feel that familiar heartache all over again. It feels like things are being taken away from you, again and again.
But my mom's been trying to get me stop thinking about stuff. Not by escaping it, but by coming to terms with it. She wants to drive me everywhere I wanna go. Yesterday while I was playing the piano, she tells me to stop and go talk to her. I say, "No! I know what you're going to say!" And she shouts back, "Just come upstairs!!" but I won't. She's the last person to talk to about this.
It's not half as bad as going to school at least. I hadn't gone all week because time traveling alone or the blankness in my head during lectures would have been unbearable. I've been told that throwing myself into work would help, but I can't. Then what's this, that I should be writing everything here which essentially means that the events of last weekend would be playing out in my head. It kills me every time but I do it anyway. I'm a masochist this way sometimes.
Today I was going to send Le'En this sms, "Love, it's my friend's birthday today, so we'll go meet them okay? You'll be my partner tonight okay?" but instinctively I typed H. Thank god I stopped because this sms was wrong in so many ways. I didn't want him to think I was flirting with some other guy so soon, I didn't want him to think I was intentionally trying to get to him, just so many things. But then I got to thinking if any of it would still matter to him anyway, which felt so much worse.
But Le'en has been great. Just talking to him makes me feel better for reasons still unknown to me. I guess in the nicest way possible, we've both only seen the best of each other, so we'll always put each other on a pedestal that way. He tells me he has been riding a bike for months now and was really heart-warmed when I expressed genuine concern. But he'll drive when I'm around because he knows I wouldn't like it. I tell him that of all the guys that came and went, he stuck around so he'll always be special to me and he says he feels the exact same way. It's just all so sweet and child-like. I need more things like this.