Rendezvous
20 December 09 : 04.13 AM
Getting home and not falling asleep for the wrong reasons is foreign now. I got off the car, for some reason made a conscious effort to not look back, got to my room, washed up, turned up Tori Amos (like I would do years ago) and I'm here in bed typing this.
I had talked too much about what had happened and now I dread it. This evening I told Donovan what happened in a manner that was a cross between vindictiveness and resentment. I had to stop because I hated that I was sounding that way, and more than anything else, I hated that I was sounding that way about him. How do you sound that way about somebody you've grown to love and care for? I don't understand.
I made 2 girls cry in the span of 12 hours.
I had a man tell me he'll look after me and if I had any problems I could go to him. I rested my ache-throbbed head onto the back of the front car seat while saying I understood everything. But all I really wanted was for him to get out the car so that I could.
I lost.
I had two perfect strangers tell me how they knew all about a guy's intentions and they could read Helme like a book- and I just nodded. There just wasn't a point in rebutting and I didn't wanna talk-- it'll only lengthen the conversation. That's the reason why the only people I wanna talk to are Edde and Donovan. (But now I know I can't.)
The whole night I just wanted to leave.
I had a girl tell me the people I've grown to love and trust and care for recently don't love me the way I think they do. I say I think they love me because of the way they take care of me, and she said, what about their intentions? Have you ever thought that it's all superficial and on the surface? One of them has said he says nice things to you because you're so easy to please with words. How's that for sincerity?
I had a girl stroke my face and tell me she's worried for me because I'm so naïve and so easily trusting I could get hurt.
Things need to be simpler.
I had an old friend take off my glasses much amused as I was falling asleep and I couldn't help but smile.