Rendezvous
27 June 05 : 04.38 AM
I can't tell what I'm doing anymore, much less what I wanna do.
There's something wrong with us. And I think it's me. But there's this undercurrent of resent, I don't know, after the fever, after the pain, after that morning I laid there waiting while someone hurt me where she touched, after knowing.
Then I will feel guilty and sorry for the anger and desperation I am feeling that nobody deserves to take and I get apologetic. It's nobody's fault this is happening to me. Nobody but my own.
Then I start crying for no reason and it upsets the only person who sees those tears. Except the person who hears those tears and listens patiently.
So I say I need this break. I don't want it but it's killing me, this is. I don't want it, I feel it in me to apologize again for my impetuous behavior but something's got me stopped in my track and all I do is feebly stare constantly at the handphone that just doesn't ring.
I'm sorry I don't know what I'm doing anymore. But see those smiles and laughter, they're still real.
What is 30 plus 70?
And I'm pushing someone away.