Rendezvous
04 September 08 : 04.25 AM
What say you we go for a ride?
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Today I thought about what had made me resentful in our relationship, while in a cab that went down his road. 4 times, 4 times too many had I traveled in a cab down this road at, 2am or 3am, to go to his house and knock on his door. Being scared. Crying. All because he couldn't care less.
In the car and throwing things out the window. Fighting barefooted on the road outside my house. Sleeping with our backs facing each other. Breaking things.
Once, I threw an unopened bottle of vodka on the floor and Anna had to pick up the shards for me (I couldn't say sorry enough for that). I vent a lot when I'm upset. I've cut a shirt of his. I tore the picture he drew of me. I went out with boys. I threw (and threw away) a lot of things. I think I was fucked up for all that. That I always thought he was family, but I had never misbehaved with mine, so I was taking him for granted.
Sometimes when I'm right he says sorry. He tells me sometimes he just doesn't bother fighting anymore. I tell him his silence disgusts me. He said I cornered him that way. He just doesn't wanna fight.
The boy is a creature, half-rogueish, half-untainted. He is BlocPartyTheMarsVoltaDeftones, yet still a little PeteYorn. He smells of cigarettes & cologne & gravel & rapture. There's an intensity about him I can't put my finger on, like damaged silence and secret carnivores.
(A boy once wrote this to me,
"... Sometimes, you would fill the romantic role but often times the lines escaped you. ...You will always trawl the flotsam, trying to retrieve your prefab heart while others shred themselves into ribbons over you."
But Dani was always different. It was always different for Dani. I was always crazy about him, and there was never a doubt about it. I have the tendency to make guys think I'm crazy about them, but it was true that time with Dani. He was everything I wanted and more, and it was every bit I had imagined of being in love.)
Then there's the flirtlog.
The most perfect 2days, here and here.
"Sometimes too, it's hard to see it's more worthwhile. This is where love goes, I guess... The blemished subdued grown-up version of a mutual crush. But also the more genuine version, where inter-dependency comes in. I tried to imagine what life would be without you. That was what drove me frantic. 'Cos I realized, I wouldn't last a day. So I guess even if this is not as exciting, as blinding, as mind-sweeping as the initial days, the difference between now and then is that I could live without you then. Right now? You're in every nook and cranny. You're the foundation beams that I rest my weight upon...... I think that Dani meta-morphed into Daniel because he wanted to fit the bigger shoes. 'Coz it takes a lot more to be good for a girl than to impress one."
We sleep many moons together, our limbs tangled in a mess, and when I'm half awake I lean over to kiss him, but I don't know if he does it to me too when I'm half-dreaming. // I'm thinking about how in the theatres tonight, I said to Danii, you fuck everything. And I say it bitterly like I'm virginal. // Sometimes I think about cheating on Danii. To fuck some total stranger or an ex-boyfriend just for the hell of it. So things can't be this way anymore. It's a sick thought and I never seem to be able to register the consequences. Something I could never muster; can't have stupid strangers' fluid with mine. Fucking sick. Sometimes I'm a stranger to my thoughts as well.
Today, Danii walked into the room, with nothing but boxers worn on his hips, messy just-out-of-bed hair, and a baby python round his neck.
On a lousier note, I can't seem to solve things with Danii anymore. I just want to sleep it away or something. I took 3 Atarax pills last night and Danii got mad at me. He pulled out the mattress and slept on the floor. But at least he didn't call me a drug addict this time.
The past few nights, Danii and I had the worst quarrels we've ever had. Tear-stained, impaled hearts and embraces so hard. I call him Dan when we're quarreling. One of them, I crawled over him with tears in my eyes so they fall to his collarbone, but he had tears first. I was lost. Baby, don't.. I love you, don't.. I'm sorry, Baby, I'm so fucking sorry was all I could say. I kissed his neck, kissedkissedkissed until it was all okay. But they always end with fingers wiping tears away, light kisses with eyes shut, whispering lovelovelove mush, but I have a good feeling we mean it a lot.
And tonight lying on red, daniivicki-stained sofa with the movie, the Illusionist, raw salmon and onion rings, a lot of laughter and more kisses. We consume each other sometimes, it's overwhelming but nothing unnatural. How else can we love?
You started off your letter, Dear Angel ... I am empty, which in its candour and succinctness, echoes the very feelings I felt the day before, home alone.
I woke up today not wanting Danii to leave. It almost never happens this way, because I know he has work to go for. So, on most days, he kisses me and then leave. But today, at 6am, I crawled above him to kiss him. When I wanted to get off him, he pulled me closer, not letting me go. And then we fell asleep. What seemed like a second later, Danii had to go. Something made my heart turn, and the thought of Danii leaving gave me anxiety. I held his hand, I pulled him close, I put my arms around his neck. But he went anyway. I felt like crying, but I didn't. It doesn't make sense.
We ended the night kissing them goodbye. Danii and I left a little earlier. When we reached my place, we got into bed together. Me, in my over-sized school tee, Danii, in my over-sized school tee. Everything we saw and did and had tonight, we never remember it at all. Danii slipped his hand up my t-shirt to feel the warmth of my back. We snuggled up close and whispered, goodnight, I love you, I love you, never lose sight of that.
This encapsulates everything.
I begged of him to stay the night. To take a bath and let me soothe his nerves by giving him a slow, sensual massage. I would have put on some Vanilla scent and a million little candles and Billie Holiday. But he said no.
Where are you, Danii? Why didn't I see you leave? You must have slipped away somewhere in June. Between the distanced and the strapped. There must be something I'm missing here.
I remember how when Dani and I decided it was best to leave each other, we reminisced, and we laughed as we cried. It was one of those moments where we laughed because it was intimate and embarrassing, but cried because it meant we weren't going to have that ever again. It was something that I have never felt with anyone else before.
As I read the old stuff he wrote to me, the sweet, sexy, cheesy or plain silly stuff, I couldn't help but smile because it was all so beautiful. But at the same time, I cried, knowing full well that he could no longer muster words like that anymore. I was torn. This time he didn't cry nor did he laugh. He sat there reading word for word, and for moments, I thought I saw his eyes glisten like he was holding back tears. But he told me, in all honesty, that he didn't feel anything reading it because he no longer recognized the person who wrote it. He said that with this empty look in his eyes that made me aware of the truth in it.
I'm fucking everything up.
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