Rendezvous
19 November 08 : 02.24 AM
The Fratellis' Lupe Brown on repeat. It's especially cold tonight for some reason. The past two days I've had perfect dinners with my family, and I'm all excited and talkative. After dinner, I brought Laurel for a walk around the mall. I forgot to mention about the scholarship; I shall talk about it tomorrow.
(In some entirely weird and inexplicable way, I'm usually afraid of sitting next to my father, or being too close. But today I was happy to be next to him. I guess because I feel like I don't really have anything to hide anymore. The other day, he picked me up from school, and I felt like I couldn't stop talking. I was afraid if I stopped he would ask me about the boys, or he would tell me how disappointed he was in me. When he casually mentioned how I should look for a boyfriend from school, a decent boy, I quickly talked about Laurel like it was at the back of my head.)
The other night over at his place. On his bed studying while he sleeps. At one point, he woke up and moved so close to me, snuggled up to me with his arm pressed lightly on my stomach. Then he fell asleep again. This scene replays in my head. There was something so childlike and intimate that for a moment, I felt like I could fall. But by the end of the night, something felt changed. Something that made me feel so displaced I was shivering. Like I said, I need to get out of my head more.
(We had an argument the other day. I wanted to stop because he was getting mean. I said to him, I don't want to fight. When we argue, you reprimand and talk down to me. He said sorry for being harsh. He said he's crazy about me, and that he cherishes me a lot. And just like that I stopped being upset. I'm so fucking easy to please.)
I take back what I said about not running away. I want to run away. I want to be so absent I'm not missed. To leave everyone. There's not many people left to leave, because I've left them all already for 2 years at least. Drey should run away with me. She's the only girl I can hold hands and sleep with at night. Besides Sandi.
(Sandi and John had a huge quarrel last night. I was awoken by fuck-yous and cheebyes and get-outs. Sandi was screaming and crying. I ran out of my room and when I was outside theirs, I didn't go in. I thought about how Dani and I used to have quarrels like that and I hated when people wanted to interfere. Throwing things at him, hurling words to hurt each other intentionally. Pillows, books, phones, perfumes, the bottle of vodka that left a mess Anna cleaned. I get so hysterical I dig my nails into myself. To have fights like this and know deep down it's not going to break you two up. I walk on eggshells now.)
While I am not supposed to, I am feeling unnervingly alone.